Pearl Talks About Death
by Lugrak
Summary: Pearl describes what death feels like to such a nigh immortal being as gem.


Author's note.

Hey, I know it's pretty bad, and really not like Pearl, but welp. I started writing it with Pearl in mind, but as I was writing it just flowed like this and I didn't want to change it.

So anyway, here is hoping you like it even if it is extremely ooc.

Also, just in case:

 **Warning**! Death and torture mentions.

* * *

You want to know how it feels to die? Why?

...

That is not an answer sweetie.

…

I never said that! Look, if you really want to know, then I'll tell you.

…

Where to start then? Well, first, our death is not like yours. If one of you humans, die there is no going back. It's just a complete disintegration of mind and spirit, escalation of entropy, negation of existence. It's scary and lonely and delightful, or so I heard anyway. We… We never feel those things. For us death is merely a transition, like a good night's sleep is for you. We retreat to think and reevaluate and change, but then emerge anew. We do not fear it. But we do not rejoice either. We simply accept our failure and move on. There is nothing deeper there for us.

…

Yes, well I was getting to that. As I said our death is different and so are our feelings. You cannot expect to fully understand our motivations or reasoning, just like we cannot fully empathize with humans. We are simply too different.

…

Well. Fear mostly, but not of transition no. Rather, of coming anew. Different. Who I will be this time, what kind of shirt will I wear, what kind of voice will I use? Whom will I be? How will I think? Will I still be me? Usually nothing changes. Oh, maybe a sash replaces a belt or something, details really. But imagine if you grew another arm? Or suddenly you are hundred pounds heavier or a foot shorter. How would you react? Would it still be you if you were reborn as man my love? Or would you be someone different altogether? How do you get your bearings in the world if the winds keep changing?

If your thoughts may blur and speech patterns differ and you wish you could go back, but you can't. Someone still other awaits after the next death. Who am I? Am I as I always were, or did I lose myself long time ago. Or maybe that's just growing up, maturing. But, if I am expected to change, when is this change a good one?

Do I hurt others? No, but maybe I should? What is my purpose, I can't remember. I was born so many deaths ago I just can't. It's a blur. I remember the voice, warm, but full of command giving me orders. But what are they? And, even further back I remember pain, and salt and rain. And, death, death, death. How much time does it take to make one like me? A year, a century? How many times was needed so I forgot? A thousand? A million?

I don't know, I simply don't know. I had many masters my girl, and I had many loves. I hated and I grieved and I can't remember them at all. How many deaths to make me this? How many times I needed to live to become me? Was it worth it?

You know, I envy those who never tasted freedom. On a leash of their superiors, blindly following orders, without worry or care. Never dying. I cannot be like them my love I was bought to be broken. I was destroyed and I was remade. And, then destroyed again. How many times I wonder before I learned to love?

How many years of torture and pain before I could feel anything? Before the crack that never appeared, made its mark on my soul? When I was lost to the pleasures of simpler minds? Just doing never feeling? How did I become a being instead of tool? How many times I needed to die to learn how to live? How many times? How many times?

Maybe I am ungrateful, I have you I had her. We have them. How many times I need to die so I can accept it I wonder? How many before I forget? How many times?

…

Oh, I am sorry I still did not answer your question.

Imagine an electric shock flooding your mind with fire and pain, and the sweet, delightful feeling of weightlessness overtaking your body. And, in this agony of hell, try to imagine a gem, a person, a world, yourself. This will be who you are. Pain lessens. Now try to add details. Pain lessens. Now try to add words. Pain lessens. Now try to add you. It never lessened.

We can put it off if you will. Scarred as I am I take my time usually. I retreat at the first sing and fight with my mind for will to be complete again. And, I start this when I am ready. Which may be a week, a month or six. Time is an illusion to me, but the pain is real. Death I don't fear, but I think I simply lost my hope.

How many deaths will it take to blur this memory into countless others? How much time before I won't recognize you still? How many times before I will speak like this again to another?

I can't tell. Did I do it before? Rehearsed with someone else? How long do I need to live to forget everything I have gone through? A million? A million more?

I don't know sweetie. And, I don't know why I am doing this. But you said you want to know. And, I feel like I made this mistake before. Lying to the ones I love. Protecting them from what I know, from what I am, from what I can become.

I don't expect anything. You can leave if you want, but just please find it in your heart to forgive me. When I'm gone. Adrift among the stars. One death too much. One life too much lost.


End file.
